Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A is for Advertising... Part Three

This sh*t just doesn't get old. Or at least, it doesn't get old to me.

There isn't any preface. I have nothing to add. I've been paying attention... and taking pictures. These are real live Tokyo Advertisements.... (again).
Tommy Lee Jones and his new posse!

It appears that T.L.J. has joined a Japanese boy band, and they're selling winter coats... as well as coffee.

A derpy baseball anime character selling Pachinko...??

2 for 1 Big Mac special. Because you won't get diabetes just sitting there. Oh wait...

This is just creepy. What kind of furby hell is this???



Just some guy... Hanging out.... In a furry costume.
"I swear I only drink this stuff when I'm drunk."

Mintia. The constipated mint.
The "unfortunate genetic trait" family portrait.
Let's... go f*ck yourself!!!! :D :D :D

It's good to see that they're using transsexual models in Japan. Very forward thinking.

Don't hate. This is probably the most deliciously weird thing I've tasted in a while.
THIS, on the other hand, is an abomination of my homeland and Jesus Christ, and deserves to die in the fiery pits of hell. Maple flavoured coffee??? I don't think so.
The "Ninja Burger." Brought to you by the Assholes with  Diabetes Association of Japan and America. (It's a pretty select group).

Orlando Bloom is still here. And still has no idea what's going on. Also, looking kinda Asian...?

I also get large shards of neon-coloured paper in my eyes when I use my iPhone. This advertisement really spoke to me.

What are you doing?? Artist, stahp!!!

"Beware of old ladies doing interpretive dances on subway platforms."
Hello Kitty is now part of the Matrix. She's selling tea. We're all f*cked.
No one seems to be upset about the imminent threat to our safety.

S'up. I'm Kim Jae Totallystraightdude Joong from Korea. And yes, it's my mom's name.
Not an Advertisement. Just a perfect example of all three Japanese alphabets plus Korean on one sign. Because illiteracy.
Also Sumo Wrestling. Everybody loves man titties!

Bunch of overweight dudes standing in a circle, about to tackle each other. Totally not weird.
Today's mayonnaise is brought to you by Hello Kitty. Because she's an over-controlling psychopath. And her advertising agent is the tits.

Also this happened. Bunch of people, wearing bald caps... just hanging out. Goddamn, I love this city.
Goodnight, Tokyo. Stay weird.

Monday, October 7, 2013

You've reached the next level... ish.

So you've been in Japan for two and a half years... congratulations! You've successfully reached the proficiency of a semi-retarded 3 year-old. YYYAAAAAYYY!!!!
Okay... so you've never actually taken a proper Japanese language class. You've learned all of your Japanese in bars and other social settings, which means that your vocabulary is pretty limited. You know all kinds of bad words and inappropriate phrases- none of which is applicable in professional settings. But since you've been here for so long, you have developed excellent listening skills! So you're able to understand a great deal of what's said to you. The only downside- you can't actually respond. You're a very enthusiastic mute. But MY GOSH do you understand things!!! So many things!!!

And now you have to face reality. You can't string a proper sentence together, without someone immediately realizing just how delinquent you are. Let's face it- you sound like a cave man.

Scenario: You get into a taxi. In totally decent Japanese, you ask to be taken to the 711 just south of Koenji Station. It's a mouthful of Japanese that makes you sound like you know what you're saying. Except you're retarded... which means that you can't answer any follow up questions the driver might have. Such as "which 711 would you prefer?"
The true torture is that you understand the follow up question- you just can't answer it. The phrase " I would prefer the one two blocks south-east of the one you just suggested" is a linguistic nightmare, and is beyond your capabilities. So you just end up grunting and muttering "south" and "east", which makes the taxi driver cock his eyebrow at you in a judging motion. If you're lucky, he'll figure it out. If you're not, he'll drop you off wherever he wants, and you'll walk the rest of the way in shame. If you're really unlucky, you'll listen to a lecture about how you really don't understand anything, and how foreigners are ruining his country. Keep in mind that you understand all of this, but you can't respond or comment on anything.... because you're linguistically incapable.

Sure, you could take a class. You could make the effort. But you don't want to. You're SUPER LAZY. It's what's gotten you in this mess in the first place. And now you're screwed. So what do you do? Do you run home and sign up for classes? Nope. Not even a little bit. You go home and study for your Masters degree. Because that's your reality. Sucka!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Behold! An updated blog!

So I went on vacation. There were pictures taken and shenanigans occurred. So many shenanigans. But I don't feel like talking about it. Let's just sit back and mindlessly flip through the evidence...

Summer in Tokyo...

Orlando Bloom looking constipated.


No. Just No.

A pachinko trying to blend in...

Hey, look! Baseball! This should be somewhat normal....

Wait for it...

Lol. Nope. Not normal. Why tiny umbrellas? Because Japan. Shame on you for asking questions.

This is an advertisement for mints. A very suggestive advertisement for mints.
  And then I went on vacation... to Malaysia!

We brought our own toilet paper... enough for two weeks.
Approximately 3000 "Camel Toe" jokes were created because of this stupid cigarette pack.

A subway token... made of less substance than lego.

Take a moped! What could possible go wrong? (Disclaimer: Things went wrong.)

Hey look! Famous things!

A totally-not-weird pose.

Why is this so creepy?

Realizing that there isn't much going on in K.L.

Oh, hey Nicole... selling watches, are we?

Note the face.

And the Korean Navy.

Being special.

Extra special.

Finding a decent meal during Ramadan was interesting...

But we managed to find the bar district... and the only bar with a special on tequila....

 The water was totally undrinkable... but the graffiti was stunning...
Mounting excitement? Over a latte? Sounds a little desperate...


You know that weird guy who sells flags on a bike in your country? Well rest assured, there's one in Malaysia too.

"100 PLUS" was sold as a substitute for Gatorade. Buying this was probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. No exaggeration.

Beautiful Buddhist temple

That's all smog, baby!

Old things.

A turtle farm. That's right- A turtle farm.

Lao Tse

Probably the creepiest picture I've ever seen in my life.

More temples

So. Much. Food.

Hey look! A big thing! Let's stand in front of it.

Standing in front of the big thing.

Batu Caves

Me, creeping on a monk.

There's something slightly weird about a monk taking a picture with an iPhone.

NECKS. Because I'm not a photographer.

The monk I was creeping refused to take a picture with me... but he did take a picture OF us. That's right- this picture was taken by an actual Malaysian monk. It's the best I could do.

270 steps up and down, carved into the mountain.

Hey, monkey!

Hey, more monkeys!

Monkey, please put some pants on.

"Best"? Really???

Giant monkey-man statue means business.

After just 3 days in Malaysia, I was craving pork... so we went to a Chinese restaurant. But my food looks a little odd...

 After spending 3 days in Malaysia, I was ready for some serious change of scenery... It was Ramadan and things were very... conservative... in Malaysia. Burkas and Hijabs were the norm. Thailand was a welcome change.

 So we shuffled off towards the international airport. But I would just like to point out that AT NO POINT was I searched or scanned. They took away large bottles of liquids and gels as they always do, but leaving Malaysia and entering the Bangkok airport was probably the least stressful airport experience of my life. Immigration took less than 2 minutes. No one asked me any stupid questions about my "intentions" in Thailand. It seemed as if everyone was on board with the situation. Also, I'm pretty sure no one spoke English. That probably helped. It was a breath of fresh air. 
Thailand! Where the dental hygiene is as lax as our immigration services!

He insisted on wearing that. So I insisted on taking a picture.
It's like 'D-bag' and 'Dude-Bros' had a baby!

Funny story: Our train to Surathani was 3 hours late. My friend, being Japanese at heart, was seriously unimpressed with the tardiness. Trains should run on time. He medicated with beer.


And more island... in fact, most of the pictures I took looked a lot like this. Obnoxiously glorified postcard-perfect pictures of beaches. You're just going to have to suffer through this part...




That dude is washing his cow. Yep. Washing his cow.
A derpy picture of me.


Sunburn. On a beach. And next-level Jenga- using only chopsticks... and a little vodka.

It's so beautiful I could throw up.
This place is called the Porn Restaurant. Porn. Restaurant. My only response to this choice of title is- "please, never google your restaurant's name on the internet."

"French Salad" and "American Flavour"

Now I'm just embarrassed. It was a freaking great vacation.

Ok, we get it- it's beautiful.

Why am I not here right now?
A highly-specific chip flavour
So.... ASIAN.

Getting some clothes made. Because you're in Thailand and things are hella cheap.

He was really unimpressed with the accommodations on that train ride back to Bangkok.

Funnier story: So your first train was 3 hours late? Hows about 6 hours late on the way home.... What, you don't want to hang out at a train station in the middle of nowhere for 6 hours? What's wrong with you??

Ok, these chip flavours are getting really specific


Portuguese Chicken at the airport.

Sup, King!

 All in all, it was an amazing trip. The 12 hour schlep back home was not nearly as enjoyable, but we made do. I spent 9 full days lying on a beach in the middle of nowhere doing absolutely nothing- it was amazing. And I can cross Malaysia off my list- I think I've had enough of that country. On the other hand, Thailand was and always will be my kind of paradise. I love that country. Good times!

Good night!