Wednesday, June 18, 2014

A is for Advertising, Part Four... And some family stuff.

"9% WASH YOU."
My brother: "9% wash you??? What does that even mean???"
Me: "Rule number one of Japan- never ask why."
My brother: "..."
Me: "Just... don't worry about it."
My brother: "... okay...yeah... but seriously. What the f*ck, Viv? What is this dude possibly washing??? I gotta take a picture."
Me: *sigh* "Okay..."

He has a point.
What is this guy "washing"?

I've been here for so long that I've stopped questioning the weird. It took my whole family visiting for 2 weeks to remind me of what's weird in Tokyo. And there is so much WEIRD. This place has finally become normal to me... and that might be a problem. But while they were here, it gave me a chance to view things a little differently through their eyes. I was able to see the STRANGE again! So here it is, boys and girls!
Let's sit back and observe...

 Goo! Not "go" as in "let's go" but "goo" as in the noun for a suspicious sticky substance that might get stuck to your shoe. The word "goo" is now a synonym for "legitimate car ownership." Deal with it. Because Japan.

And sometimes this crap just writes itself. Four Roses is actually a fantastic bourbon, but they've clearly prematurely unleashed their poetic license with this one. How could this have happened? I have an idea...

Douche #1: "The rose in the mouth represents the exquisiteness of their experience."
Realistic human being: "This is ridiculous... we need to rethink-"
Realistic human being: "Okay! Jesus... never mind."
Realistic human being: "Ugh...."

 Window display in Shinjuku. Live-sized dolls. With dead, creepy eyes that follow your every movement. Selling...handbags? Doesn't matter.

 Shrimp and mayonnaise flavoured doritos! Just as gross as it sounds. Probably the worst doritos flavour since Lobster and Cheese... (which is also a thing).
You know what would be great? A pseudo-bible movie, totally in Japanese, using Star Wars references in place of anything actually remotely religious. That seems legit. Let's do that.
Want the best in weed-wackers? Slightly-asian-looking Sean Penn knows what's up. He also will tango for money, apparently.
"Mr. Elephant is being a dick." Also, these chipmunks really have to sneeze...
My brother: "Take a picture of the dude on the ashtray!"
Me: "Ok..."
My brother: "HAHAHHAHahahahaha."

 A totally normal day in Shinjuku. I walked passed this display about 5 times before I thought of taking a picture. My only thought: "Where can I get a moustache like that?"
Bruce motherf*cking Willis is selling coffee in Japan! It's official- everyone has a price.
 My father... the adult! Just goes to show that boys get bigger but they never really grow up :)
The izakaya (Japanese restaurant) where Kill Bill was filmed. A beautiful place to start a Japanese vacation!
The main river in Nikko, Tochigi. Crystal blue waterfalls and stone statues.
A beautiful place about 2 km from Nikko Station, next to the main river.
Mistah Sparkuru! My brother found a great Japanglish shirt at Uniqlo.
 My father's birthday at Abbey Road, in Roppongi! We spent hours watching one of the best Beatles cover bands playing some fantastic music. Quote of the night: "Their Ringo is a better drummer than the actual Ringo... but then again, there were better drummers than Ringo in the actual Beatles." A wonderful evening.

It was an absolute pleasure showing my family around, and I know they had a blast. I feel truly blessed to have had this opportunity.



  1. Hi Vivian,

    Given your fantastic sense of humor and our common connection to Japan, I was wondering if I could provide you with a copy of my new book - American MaleWhore in Tokyo - and if you get some good laughs out of it, I'd be grateful for a shout out or review.

    It's a juvenile/explicit comedy that sheds light on Japan and its culture in general as well as the dazzling yet seedy culture of host clubs.

    I'm sorry that this message is out of place here but unfortunately I couldn't find any contact info for you. As I don't want to be spammy, please delete this after you read it.

    And if you're interested in taking me up on my offer or would like more info, please email me at

    John Box

  2. Such an amazing site: for free advertising visist this site :
    Avertise Online Free