Sunday, July 22, 2012

Things I've learned in Japan, Part Six; Tokyo Fashion

Japan: Home to beautiful women, all-encompassing convenience stores, and the most complicated recycling system known to man.

I know I've mentioned it before, but Japanese chicks have set the bar pretty freaking high when it comes to looking awesome.

Hypothetical situation:
If I had grown up under a rock on Mars (kind of true), and I had absolutely no idea how to dress myself (more true), and if I had been hit on the head one too many times (realistically true), I would use the Japanese woman's version of what's acceptable "every day" fashion.
This is what I would probably end up looking like:

Which brings me to a list I've been working on. Here's how to dress like a Japanese fashionista...

RULE NUMBER ONE: It's NEVER inappropriate to wear high heels. Anything lower than 4 inches and you may as well stay home.

RULE NUMBER TWO: If your eyes don't look like they belong in a Manga Comic, you're doing something wrong. MASCARA IS YOUR FRIEND. Fake eyelashes are as normal as earrings. And like earrings, they're often shinier and longer than the appendage they're hanging from.
She butterfly-kissed a rainbow.

RULE NUMBER THREE: Your outfit should include AT LEAST two primary/secondary colours. Preferably clashing. Bonus points are awarded for plaid, stripes and checkered patterns.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: Acrylics. Have long, scary nails. Bedazzled and covered in stickers. These ABSOLUTELY MUST be coordinated with the colour of your iphone, since you will never, under any circumstances, put it down.

I dare you to pick up a single piece of paper.
RULE NUMBER FIVE: Most of your hair should be situated on the top of your head. In best case scenarios, it should look like you've been styled by a three year old with household objects. Bonus points for household objects STILL IN YOUR HAIR. "Super bonus points" for completely unexpected items, such as sharks, barbie dolls, toy cars, etc.

RULE NUMBER SIX: Absolutely no pants. Ever. Jeggings, miniskirts, mis-matched tights, and inexplicably poofy short-shorts are your best options.
All class. No pants.

RULE NUMBER SEVEN: Make absolutely no sense. In fact, the more sense you make, the more "uncool" you are. So you must be as completely weird as possible. It's best to look like you've just crawled away from a children's arts and crafts expose, and you're just about to have a seizure.

RULE NUMBER EIGHT: A DESIGNER BAG. Guchi, Prada, CC, Whatever. Now, I know- after all that nonsense, why ruin a perfectly good schizophrenic episode with an expensive display of extravagance? For an answer to that, see rule number seven. Sometimes you have to complete the full circle of psychotic, and you just end up back in boring old fashion. And if that fails, carry an impossibly tiny anime character.

Basically Japanese women are f*ck-you fashionable. Yeah, it's two o'clock in the afternoon and 38 degrees outside, but I AM WEARING GUCHI AND JEGGINGS WITH A SHARK ON MY HEAD.
F*ck all y'all.
It's just downright inappropriate to be wearing anything but the simplest and lightest of clothes in July, with the humidity of Tokyo city. And yet, I see Manolos and Pravda struttin' past me like it aint no thing. They may look delicate, but these chicks understand PAIN. After all, pain is beauty. And these women live it everyday.

Good night, crazy Tokyo.

1 comment:

  1. Haha.. Awesome post. Those nails.. those nails terrify me.