Thursday, February 14, 2013

First World Problems in Japan; "Let's make an issue!"

First and foremost; I need to get something off my chest.



As an international community (whatever the heck that means), we need to gather ourselves and collectively sit down and have a conversation. About grammar. (I knew that would get your attention! You're excited now. Please contain yourself.)

This basic grammar issue turns out to be actually quite simple. And yet, there are HUGE AND GLARING PROBLEMS regarding it.. Let's focus on the simple stuff. Let's boil it down to the nitty gritty...
I'm talking about the "Let's- (something/verb-or-noun-or-adjective)!" concept in Japanese advertising. Most foreigners don't understand the linguistic connection that is so easily met in these sentences. To us it seems almost comically awkward, and so we've allowed it to continue... for too long.  This is probably the most common example of simplistic Japanglish* found in advertising Japan.That being said, honestly, how many times have you seen any of the following examples in your daily life;

"Let's skiing!" "ski ni ikimasho! 
http://perth.yalwa.com.au/ID_102085415/Lets-Ski-Japan.html 

"Let's enjoy Japanese!"  "Yotte mimashou!"
http://www.yono-gakuin.net/g4.html

"Let's shopping!" "Kaimono shite mimashou!"
http://onceuponatime-fans.com/news/lets-shopping-at-abc-store 

"Let's yoga!" " Yoga shite mimasho!"

"Let's drunk!" "Is-sho ni yotte mimashou!"

 Just on the subway ALONE, we've all seen these "suggestive" ads.

Putting this all into some (slightly convoluted) perspective, I may have generated and/or encouraged some stereotypes of my own. Coming from someone who was brought up learning English, French, and just a smidgen of German, I have to say that from the point of linguistics and discourse that these are complete bastardizing translations of the English language. This "Let's <verb>" concept is one of the many reasons I still have a job. The Japanese educational system seems to be doling out the English language in small doses. Which will actually create more damage than it pretends to solve.

The "-sho" ending of a verb does not exist in the English language, and yet translators have just adopted the 'laissez-faire' attitude towards it. For all of the people outside of Japan that may wonder what the this is, it basically means "let's do this together."  But it's used as a pronoun would be used in a germanic language. I.e. 'We should ski together!' or 'Nous devrions aller faire tous ensemble! On-y-va!"
Heh heh heh.

A 'de-sho!' Exclamation in Japanese as a similar linguistic equivalent to "Let's go DO SOMETHING TOGETHER!" But when translated into English, it just looks like a passive-agressive-yet-desperate "If you're up to it, and you wanna do it, then I might feel like it, and maybe we could do it together."

Next time you see an advertisement on a train or the street using the word "let's" in order to encourage people to join their cause, please stop in front of it. Then laugh at them. Poignantly, and without shame. Then demand some informative-style pamphlet. 
"This is called a MAP. It's a pretty big deal."
LET'S MOVE ON...

I'm always on the look-out for random things on this beautiful little island. Japan is truly the land of the weird and the slightly futuristic-yet-somehow-out-of-date. But recently, I've started noticing the darker side of a rather fringe aspect of the culture. The discontent. The complaints and whining from certain kinds of people. More specifically, the complaints I hear from foreigners while living here. You see, I don't often hear genuine complaints from the locals. Japanese people consider complaining to be... almost unpatriotic. Sure, they'll complain about the trains being crowded, or the weather being too damp... but these aren't really COMPLAINTS, by "Western Standards."

I've compiled a list. Just to be clear- these are all COMPLETELY REAL AND WERE TOTALLY HEARD EITHER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY AT SOME POINT BY SOME SELF-INDULGENT FIRST-WORLD (expletive). WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS? IT KINDA SEEMS LIKE I'M YELLING.

As an aside, I would just like to say that it would be awesome if we could all have these problems one day. We are all ungrateful bastards. These are all complaints I heard first hand. They were all so laughable that I wrote them down. Allow me to demonstrate;

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, AS SPOKEN BY WHITE PEOPLE;
*Single tear*



"I can't find a recycling bin on the train platform for my beer can."


"My bamboo chopsticks didn't break perfectly down the middle, and now I'm having trouble holding them."
"The heated seats on the train are too hot, and made the backs of my knees sweat on my way to work."

"The automatic door at the store didn't automatically open for me, so I had to wait for an employee to open it for me."

"I missed my train and had to wait 3 minutes for the next one."




"There are so many ways for me to get to my destination, that I can't made a decision without consulting my iPhone."



"My chocolate bar is melty and I don't recognize the brand name."


"The convenience store was out of my favourite brand of cigarettes/beer/sushi, so I had to walk 2 blocks to another store."


"The bar was opened 24 hours, so I didn't realize what time it was when I left."

"When going from one side of the city to the other... I have to transfer trains."

"My boss paid for this karaoke machine for our staff party, but it only has Japanese, Chinese, English, and Korean. I wanted a recently-produced pretentious French Rap song."



"I'm so tired of sitting down and talking to people for 
 30 hours a week."


"There are too many people willing to help me at the store, but they don't take credit cards."
"The bidet in the public toilet was slightly cooler than I had originally expected."

So yes, I realize that I may have gone on a bit of a rant with this post. But I needed a chance to get this out there. We really don't have it so bad. We're actually doing pretty well. We need to suck it up.

(Let's) Gambatte.


 *Gaikokojin is a polite Japanese word for foreigner.
**See previous posts about Japanglish; not quite English, not quite Japanese.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

2013: Suck it, Mayans!

So... it's a new year. Woot.

December passed by like a breeze. I was so wrapped up in my own shinnanigans that I feel like I missed out on some crucial cultural and social changes.

First order of business: The "Tights-as-pants" concept.

Now, don't get me wrong... tights are great. I am a big "tights enthusiast." Tights are great with skirts, shorts, even the occasional dress. But upon arriving at the Vancouver airport, I was greeted unceremoniously by a something that I could only describe as a 'fleet' of women wearing black leggings in replacement of actual leg-coverage.
Maybe it's the fact that I live in a country where women have statistically improbable leg shapes (i.e. "chopstick legs"), and so wearing tights-as-pants isn't a big deal.
Maybe it's the fact that I've been metaphorically chained to a desk writing research papers for the past 3 months.
Maybe I've simply been too dense to notice a not-so-subtle shift in leg fashion. But honestly...

WHAT THE HELL.

I'm not normally against the idea of a girl with some "leg-meat", if you will. But I am a firm (pun intended) believer in dressing to your body type. And if you're OVER 250 LBS. and wearing black tights instead of pants... well, that's just unfortunate... for everyone. Around you.
HINT.

ALSO. If you so choose to make the AMAZINGLY poor fashion choice of wearing tights-as-pants as a 'heftier' girl, then please do not go ahead and then pair it with a TUBE TOP. When you walk, it's like watching a plastic bag filled with jello and gummy bears shake in slow motion. I can't even believe I'm typing this. Trust me when I say that I was VISIBLY UPSET when I realized that this was a new "thing" in Canada. Shame on you, Canada, for allowing this to happen. Personally, I blame Stephen Harper. 

Moving on.

Thanks to my wonderful parents donating a plane ticket for my vacation back home over the holidays, I was able to actually relax and visit with my loved ones. I would also like to point out that apparently my extended family is rather amoeba-like. Since I've seen them last, they've multiplied again. I have no idea the exact number of cousins I have, but I think it's now around 42. Congrats to everyone.

But now the break is over, and it's good to be back. I've said it before, but Tokyo really does feel more like home these days. I feel a great sense of calm walking through these streets, with their 7 story buildings and neon signs advertising endless variations on karaoke. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I REALLY MISSED SUSHI. Despite all the stress and work, I'm happy to be here.

Je t'aime, Tokyo.

That being said, here are some truly Canadian pictures;

My best friend and her best friend, playing in the snow.

Toronto Government building.

Moose fashion at The Bay. God bless Canada.

Poutine and beer at the diner where they filmed the movie Boondocks Saints.

Christmas polar bear in Dundas Square.

Live trees are 15 dollars. Dead trees...?

So... much... cheese....

Homemade gingerbread.


Christmas tree in Vancouver.

Classic Canadian bar.

Entire aisles of a supermarket dedicated to Kraft dinner.

My brother standing in front of our childhood home.
 Thanks for the memories, Canada. I'll never forget. Here's to a great new year!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A is for Advertising, Part Two

Introspective-moment time!
 
You know that moment when you see something WEIRD in a public place... something ODD... and you do a double-take? And then you quickly side-glance to see if anyone nearby is having the same reaction as you... in an attempt to socially justify your reaction? Then you realize that you're the ONLY PERSON who thinks something's a little off about that situation, so you stifle that feeling... and carry on with your life?

Well... I don't do that.

In those moments of oddity, I do one of three things. I...

A: Stare poignantly at the thing in question, so that it attracts unwarranted attention from other people.
Look at that THING! Over THERE!

B: Audibly draw attention to the thing by giggling or making crude snorting sounds.


*snort*

C: Take really obvious pictures of said odd thing with my incredibly loud camera-phone. I say "incredibly loud camera-phone" because... qu'elle surprise! In Japan it's ACTUALLY A CRIME to have a phone that has a silent function. And for good reason. Google "chikan" or "train perverts" to see why. Heck, I can show you the freaking posters.

 
If you take pictures of a girl's skirt inappropriately, prepare to have your teeth knocked out. it's that simple.
Moving on.


A couple weeks ago, I asked a bunch of friends of mine to start taking pictures of the random crap (read: advertisements) they saw in their daily lives in Tokyo. Keep in mind- I only asked a certain kind of people, who I knew would produce a certain kind of WEIRD. The last post about advertisements was... let's say; OVERWHELMINGLY RECEIVED.
 So here's the next installment of ads in Tokyo.

Behold...
Poorly photoshopped sweat.. or something else...?

Taken in a unisex bathroom... looking for "suspicious packages"...

This is just simply amazing and cannot be ignored.

Let's play "guess which one's a dude"... (unless you can read kanji, and then never mind). My guess: the guy with blue feathers- totally asking for it.

LOOK AT ALL THE SAUSAGE LINKS AROUND MY NECK.

Only being able to read this in Japanese makes this funny. There's a joke about being bald... and something about how shiny christmas lights are in comparison.  Ha.

Kim J-gof*ckyourself. On his unicorn. Google it if that doesn't make any sense.

HELLO! I HEAR YOU'RE 60. OHMYGOD WOW.

And then there was... shrimp?

DINOSAURS! ...Obviously!

What? No! No thank you! Why would you offer that information??? Seriously! Gawd!

Hah! Fart.

For those moments when you're still drunk from the night before... (sadly, this is actually a thing).

America! F*ck yeah!

Want a hair-piece reasonably priced? Available now, with second-hand sports cars...

*cannibalism* it's what the cool kids are doing!
  This crap never ceases to amaze me. It's quite frankly one of the best parts of living in Tokyo. That "WTF was that" look is one of my favourite things to both witness and experience.
However... Please enjoy responsibly.

Why did he do that? What the hell is going on????
Side-effects may vary.

Oyasumi de gambatte.